The person who finds your body is probably your wife or one of your kids. You will have chosen a method that is violent and the image of your dead body with the noose, the gun or the plastic bag will be forever etched on the mind of that person who finds you. It will be the last thing she sees before she goes to sleep and the first image she sees upon waking. It will flash into her mind at random moments and leave her completely traumatised. She will forever associate colours, smells, shapes, and noises with that moment when her life was fractured into pieces.
When the police arrive, they will treat your wife as a suspect. Your death will be deemed as ‘suspicious’ and the house will be cordoned off as a crime scene. Ambulances, fire-engines and police cars will line the street. People will crane their necks to see what is going on. Your private decision will become the subject of public speculation. The room where you died will never be able to be used again. There will be stains on the chair, on the carpet, on the walls. Most likely, your family will have to move.
Your private life will be raked over by the police who will go through your wallet, your phone and your computer looking for someone to blame for your death. All the while, your wife will be unable to eat or sleep and her tears will make her beautiful eyes haunted and lost.
There will be an autopsy to determine how you died. There will be questions about your relationship, your job, your finances, your health and your drug and alcohol consumption. If you’ve managed to destroy your body in your final act, your wife will have to formally identify you. She will no longer remember you as alive and breathing, she will only remember you lying still, battered and violated on the cold slab of a mortuary.
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